On Being Single

Those of you who know me know my wife died a bit over 8 years ago, and before I was with her I was single all my life. I think a good part of that was that, having fallen in love with her way back in high school (when she was engaged to another man), I spent a long time pining for her. I’m not entirely sure what it was about her that attracted me to her (and I was far from the only one), I think a lot of it was knowing that, with her, there was no bullshit, no concerns about the little mind games I see so many couples play, and there was something innately sexual about her, an open-ness, a snse that she was a very giving person.

It was many years (and for her, two husbands and three kids) later that we were finally able to get together and we were both very happy in those five years, though money problems made things uncomfortable for us. She was always, unfortunately, very sickly (and she had even survived cancer before she came to be with me), and eventually it caught up wth her, and she died after a long illness.

I don’t often think about getting involved with someone else, a good part of that is my lingering feelings for my late wife, but also money plays a big part of it; I’ve always had trouble supporting myself, and to me it seems unfair to subject a potential partner to the trouble living in poverty can bring. Even if I were an aggressive person in that regard, which I most decidedly am not, not having a lot of money is a huge obstacle for seeking out a relationship.

Being lonely, however, means that I occasionally stick my toe in the water, mostly online because I am not a very social person, but also at local singles venues. And my personal experience with the singles scene, for want of a better term, is that the women outnumber the men 10 to 1, and can therefore be very picky (“Well he meets every requirement I claim to like but he has one eyebrow longer than the other, so that’s it for him!”), and the men are mostly creeps who are only interested in getting laid. It’s nearly impossible for me to get a response at all, and the rare times it’s happened it usually ends once they discover I’m broke, or I’m short. And of course, the impression I get is that these women are being very dishonest, not so much with us, but with themselves: as I’ve said before, I think you can fit entire galaxies into the space between what a woman says she wants, and what she really wants.

And this doesn’t even include those who apparently seem to live in an alternate universe: I actually posted this comment on one site:

“Dear Ladies:
Vampires do NOT exist.
Sincerely,
-J”

It’s just not worth it any more. All I can say is I was very privileged to make someone very very happy in all ways while I was married, and the fact that I still think of her so many years after she died is a testament to how much I loved her and how lucky I was to have been a part of her life. It was the kind of relationship most people fantasize about on lonely nights when they think about who they want to share their lives with, and if I never have another relationship again I can at least know I did a good job when I was in one.

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2 comments on “On Being Single

  1. I don’t know you, and I can’t imagine the amount of pain you’ve experienced since the loss of your wonderful wife, but I would like offer a suggestion. From what I gather, you spend most of your time lonely. When we’re lonely, we tend to let our minds wander. If you have friends, I would highly recommend you spend more time with them. You and I both don’t have a lot of money, but friends can still have a good time on a low budget. I have a friend and we go to the park sometimes. 9 dollars for a box of chicken wings and 5 bucks for a 12 pack of Coke, and we’re good for 6 hours. There’s nothing wrong with being alone, but you don’t have to feel lonely. I’m 23, young, so I don’t know everything. Just thought I’d offer a suggestion. I hope you are able to make the best out of life, though and wish you luck on your pursuits.

  2. wow, that was very touching Mr. J. the way you describe that you really her.. I can feel it.
    I hope I can also feel it later and find my soul mate.
    and I hope you can move on, live your life, and feel that love again even maybe you feel it is impossible. :)

    cheers,
    GDS

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